Getting Married
by Redhead Turk
Summary: Chapter 4 up: Bon voyage Sephiroth! After 32 years of being single, Sephiroth decides to get married. The question is, who shall it be? Randomness. Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Sadly, I don't own Yazoo (if I did, he'd be chained in my chair so he won't run away), or Kadaj, or Loz (phew) or Sephiroth (I wish. I really really wish). I don't own Schala, Magus, Chrono, Squall, Rinoa, Yuna, or Seymour either. I think they're all owned by Square-Enix.

**Getting Married**

Kadaj, Yazoo, Loz and Sephiroth were sitting at a table in their nice little cozy house in Lifestream, drinking cups of tea. Their mother, Jenova, (or what was left of it, after it got ripped off by Sephiroth and absorbed by Kadaj and going through all kinds of tough mishaps in between) sat peacefully on the table, watching her four stunningly sexy metrosexual sons. Loz was still weepy, Yazoo was still looking definitely metrosexual, and Kadaj… poor Kadaj… after realizing that the _Mother_ was indeed, just a head with no body, his childhood dreams of baking cookies with Jenova or going to the zoo had been shattered into million pieces (hence the light after Cloud performed Omnislash on Sephiroth/Kadaj in the old Shinra Building). As the result, he was slightly insane. He kept giggling and eating cookies that didn't exist. Sephiroth was slightly perturbed by this, but he was going to make a declaration to his family today and such things could not be disturbed by double-bladed-sword-wielding (oh wait, one is a shadow blade), metrosexual, erratic, insane male who could seriously kick some ass. So, he sipped his tea, and said, "I have an announcement."

Kadaj giggled. Loz wept. Yazoo sniffed (has anyone noticed he has said less than 20 words in the ENTIRE movie, and has managed to sniff his conversation?). Jenova just sat there, oozing.

"After serious consideration," Sephiroth began his speech grandiosa, "I am reaching the age 32, am single, despite my beauty, and while you guys last forever-" he shook a dismissive hand towards Kadaj, Loz, Yazoo and Jenova – "you guys are boring."

"Horray!" Kadaj yelled loudly. Loz wept even more. Yazoo blew his nose in a pink handkerchief. Jenova… well, she just oozed.

"I plan to get married."

Kadaj stopped. Loz giggled. Yazoo stopped blowing his nose. And Jenova exploded. Literally. Into thousand tiny jellies. They got stuck in four metrosexual males' hairs, creating a fiasco.

"I mean, come on!" Sephiroth protested to the three aghast males. "What could I do?"

"Marry?" Loz said stupidly. Yazoo kicked him.

"Very good, Loz. So I plan to get married."

"Erm… Brother?" Yazoo asked fearfully. "To whom?"

That was indeed a valid question. Aeris? Nope, she was already Cloud/Zack/Lost-Identity's, and besides, being stabbed through the stomach wasn't exactly an ideal love proposal. Either way, the pink twit was annoying anyways. So she was out.

Tifa? Oops, stabbed her too. Sephiroth couldn't exactly see the martial artist going "Sephiroth, you stabbed me through my heart… and you robbed it too!". Besides, Tifa was in love with the Chocobo Head as well. Goddamn it, why was Cloud so popular? Was it his idiocy that caused maternal love? Or was it his hair? But then, chocobos would be very popular among women. Or were they…?

Sephiroth stopped wrenching his beautiful silver hair out over something as trivial as chocobos. It didn't suit his beauty, brain, prowess, or metrosexualness. Tifa was out too.

Yuffie? No friggin way, no sir. Not only was she flat-chested, she was a kid, and he didn't exactly want to feel like a child molester. Besides, her "Nyuk nyuk nyuk" laughter and her thieving habits were rather annoying. So no.

Marlene? Forget about it.

Ifalna? Wasn't she dead…? Anyways, no Aeris, so no Ifalna.

Lucrecia…? Oh god no. Marrying his own birthmother was gross.

"DAMN IT, WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO MARRY?" Sephiroth yelled. Kadaj smiled stupidly. Yazoo was in the bathroom (and stop your thought right there, you dirty-minded readers). And Loz was… crying. Big surprise there.

"Marry me!" Yuna yelled. Sephiroth glared at the sudden appearance of the female.

"Didn't you marry Seymour Guado?"

"Erm…" (Sorry, I haven't played FFX for a while… forgot. Sorry if I'm wrong)

"Anyways, Seymour's a wuss. You married Seymour. So you're a wuss too. And so no."

"Sorry!" Seymour, the blue-haired villain of FFX, came running. "Yuna! Why are you cheating on me!"

"CUT! WRONG GAME!" The director yelled. With the poof of logic, the two disappeared.

"You can marry me!" Rinoa appeared out of the blue.

"You're Squall Leonheart's! Now do go away, I don't endorse adultery."

"I'm Squall Leonheart! Where's Rinoa?" Squall Leonheart appeared, rounded up Rinoa, and disappeared.

"Marry meeee!" Schala appeared.

"You aren't even from Final Fantasy! You're from Chrono Trigger!"

"AND YOU'RE MINE!" Magus yelled from the vorpal void (I have no clue what that is).

"And you're dead… killed by Chrono… sorry Schala, I'm not a necrophilia, unlike the Chocobo Head…"

"Hey!" Cloud yelled out of the blue. Tifa looked at him strangely.

Sephiroth sighed. Maybe family wasn't for him.

_Don't worry,_ bits of Jenova stuck in his silver hair whispered. Sephiroth looked around and found no one talking.

"Was that you talking, Kadaj?"

"COOKIES!" Kadaj yelled. Ok, so maybe not.

"Loz…?"

"Mommmmmy!" he howled, crying.

"Yazoo? Oh never mind, he's still hiding in the toilet."

_We're your family, Sephiroth. You are not alone._

"Is that you, Mother?"

_Yes. I will always be your mother._

"Mother, I love you."

_I love you too._

"Great… um, Mother?"

_Yes, Sephiroth?_

"Will you please get out of my hair?"


	2. Chapter 2

As per demand, I am continuing this fiction because apparently it was hilarious (does a jig).

Sephiroth: Woe for the day that I am debased to such debauchery…

Authoress: Muwahahaha.

* * *

After going through 59474.39329 bottles of shampoo, the four metrosexual males finally managed to get the Jenova crumbs out of their hair. Unfortunately, the shampoo (Pantene, no less) reacted badly with Jenova, and now Jenova was in a dish, being quite distinctively neon pink. And smelling like kiwis and bananas. Needless to say, Jenova was mad. 

"I do not remember raising such metrosexuals as my sons!" Jenova sent telepathy to all four. Kadaj, reprimanded by his beloved mother, burst into a fresh batch of tears. Sephiroth was appalled. This… was his larva? His was-to-be? This was an insult!

Not knowing Sephiroth's quiet, seething fury, Kadaj was wailing. "Mooommmyy, I'm sooo sorry! I'll never do it again! I promise! Please don't ground me!"

Loz was eating cookies. Yazoo looked definitively sickened. Sephiroth sighed. As the eldest brother, it was his responsibility to get them into shape, wasn't it?

Wait a minute, what about his marriage?

He resumed his thoughts about the prospective of his possible family. So Aeris was out. Yuffie was out. Tifa was out. And all the rest of the females that had suddenly appeared had… well, been round up by their original partners. Well, that left…

Shera? Hell no. God only knew what she and Cid were doing. Sure they were just boss and assistant relationship on paper, but…

That woman was out. Out, OUT!

Sephiroth was getting frustrated. A man with his height, his intelligence, his looks, his hair, his Masamune, his prowess, and everything over and in between should have no problem picking a wife. But he was having tougher time than when he had to face 300 Wutai warriors at one time. He was also having a tougher time than when he had gone through 30 physics books trying to figure out how Cloud's hair defied gravity and all laws of physics that ever existed, but that's another story.

He twirled his long, silvery hair in his fingers. He absently inspected it, when all of a sudden he found a…

Split-end.

Life just didn't worth it anymore.

Then he realized that technically, he was already dead for seven years and counting. So he could not kill himself.

He shook himself away from the hair problem. Was that why he could not get married? Because of the split hair?

No, that made no sense. He went back to auditioning possible candidates.

Elena? Nope. Elena had the world's fifty-sixth biggest crush, namely on Tseng and no less. And besides, he was pretty sure Reno would have done something with her. Sephiroth hated that redheaded twit. He had once tied a pink bow in his silvery hair, and Sephiroth was subjugated to walking around with a pink bow in his hair, ultimately being the building's laughingstock for a day. Reno was going to be sorry. He had it coming…　Anyways, back to marriage… Reno…

Wait.

Did he just think about marrying Reno?

Sephiroth screamed in horror. Now, Sephiroth was a man noted for excessive superiority in everything. Needless to say, his voice was more than loud and higher than Aeris' scream when she saw a dying chocobo in the middle of the forest.

Yazoo decided that it was high time to just visit his next door neighbor on the Lifestream Avenue. Who happened to be…

A/N: Sorry guys, but you'll have to wait until I get off my butt and write the next chapter for this. In the meanwhile, check out my other fictions.

Or give a mental therapy to Sephiroth. He needs it badly. Now.


	3. Chapter 3

Warning! Female character bashing.

I don't own any of the characters, of course. Although, if you sell me Sephiroth, I'll give up my body and my soul.

* * *

Yazoo decided that it was high time to just visit his next door neighbor on the Lifestream Avenue. Who happened to be… 

The black mage from Final Fantasy IV.

Now, you might wonder what the heck the Black Mage was doing in the Lifestream. I mean, he isn't even in the same story. And now to come and think of it, if it's _final_ fantasy, how come there's about a dozen? Concerning this, Sephiroth was getting confused. And he was only from seven! He wasn't the last final fantasy! How dare they! It was a travesty! How could Tetsuya Nomura do this to him! He was going to file a complaint!

He tried to calm himself. Hyperventilating was so not his thing. On the other hand, Yazoo was a good buddy of the Black Mage, who had an dishonorable name of Chuckley. It sounded like a name of the mouse rather than an evil mage.

"Hey Chuckley!" Yazoo called. The black mage poked his head out the door. The door was open, you silly.

"Whaaaaat?" he whined. Chuckley was always whining.

"Wanna go for a drink?"

"What drink? Everything is made of Lifestream here, Yazoo! The beer we drink, the food we eat… wait a minute, why are we eating?"

Yazoo stopped. That was a very good question. They were dead, and so why the heck were they eating? And come to think of it, where did Kadaj get the cookies? He was certain that Lifestream didn't sell chocolate chips. Otherwise he'd have eaten them all.

"Erm… we like to eat?" Yazoo hoped it was the right answer. Chuckley had such a temper sometimes. Whenever he was pissed off, he would always go "HADOKEN!" and then what were left were smithereens. I mean, who could be a nice, gentle guy with a name like Chuckley?

Chuckley snorted. Yazoo was an idiot. Kadaj was an idiot. Cloud was an idiot. Loz was an even bigger idiot. Sephiroth was a semi-idiot. Just because they had super graphics and that kind of crap didn't mean that the old school FF was dead. The gameplay still rocked, right? But everyone – even Yazoo – acted like they were superior. Bastards.

"Oh come on, my house is crazy!" Yazoo pleaded. "Please, please oh please oh please with bananas and cream and chocolate and strawberry on top with sprinkles and vanilla ice cream and…"

Black Mage, being from the pixelized world of the 1990s, had no idea what exactly bananas or creams or chocolates or strawberries or sprinkles or vanilla ice creams were, but Yazoo looked absolutely hilarious with his puppy eyes and a pout. He wanted to make things even funnier.

He produced a pixelized snake out of nowhere and threw it at the silver-haired gunman who made women drool. The pixelized snake perched its green unhappy self on top of Yazoo's head. And hissed.

Yazoo ran around screaming like a little girl.

* * *

Sephiroth heard Yazoo screaming and paid no attention. This was a dead-changing decision that had to be contemplated thoroughly. The females of Final Fantasy VII were definitely out. What about 10 and 8?

_What about males?_ a nasty sly voice asked. _You seem to be matched up with them often enough. How about Rufus? He's real pretty. Or Reno. His red hair must match his passion in bed. _(Sephiroth gagged at this point.) _Or Cloud? You seem to be matched up with him the most. Of course, his chocobo-ish brains and looks must attract even males..._

Sephiroth had had enough. He grabbed his Masamune, and looked around for something to kill. Of course, there was Loz and Kadaj, who were fighting over who got the cookie crumbs, and Jenova, who still smelled of kiwis and bananas. It was going to be an insult to his katana if he stuck the poor thing in any of those three.

So he gave up. And went back to thinking.

Selphie. He thought she was okay, because he had never met her before and nor she him. However, he rather liked the name he had – Sephiroth, it had such a nice ring, didn't it? Add General and it was even cooler, as if that was possible – and Selphie sounded too like Sephiroth. Besides, Selphie reminded him of Yuffie, which meant annoying. Additionally, "Selphie and Sephiroth" sounded like a tongue twister. Say it thrice and you'll get your tongue in a knot. So no.

Any chick from the pixel age was definitely out. He didn't even want to imagine what a child of the 3D generation and pixel era was going to look like. Ew.

Rinoa. He already refused her.

Quistis. Maybe. But then, she was Squall's instructor, and just as usual, like all good guys, Squall was an idiot. If Squall, after instruction was still that dumb, Quistis was not a capable instructor or a smart woman.

Ultimecia. Now there was one sexy chick, our silver-haired Adonis thought while stirring his blackcurrent tea. She even had a hair that kind of looked like his! Being the brutally narcissistic and the intelligent one, he also had an ego the size of Midgar. He kind of was in a sick love with himself. Besides, she was evil, which meant she was smart. He put her on a mental hold.

Ellone. She had a weird ability that was about sending people back to the past or something, but what was use of that to him? He was already dead. Otherwise, she was Squall's "sis", and anyone related to Squall was an idiot. So out.

Edea. She was already married to a dude who ran a school. She also gave her powers to Rinoa, which was the 46th dumbest thing he had ever seen, following Cloud when he decided to dump his head in a bucket of glycerin after Zack said it will make his hair stand up permanently.

Adel. She was also dumb. She was tricked by a freaking dude who looked like Tseng, and she got frozen in space. She also lost control of Edea. Damn it, why were all females of Final Fantasy dumbasses?

Raine. Raine was dead, but that wasn't the problem. She was SQUALL'S MOTHER. Sephiroth suspected that Squall's idiocy either came from Laguna (very likely) or Raine (equally likely). His child (was it going to be a dead kid? Even with his brains he had no idea) had to be a smart kid, not like his so-called brothers who fought over who was going to get the last Doritos chip. No. Never!

Julia. She was the mother of Rinoa, and Rinoa was Tifa minus about 500000 IQ points. Besides, she dressed like an expensive hooker and she was married. So no.

Freya Crescent. No, no, and no. First, her last name sounded like his mother's, and he did not want to feel like he was "keeping it to the family", to put it in better terms. Second of all, she was a wererat! What if his kid had his ultimate facial beauty and a body of a rat? That was dreadful! Besides, she was a wuss.

Eiko looked like a kid. He was not a child molester. Out of question.

General Beatrix. Now there was a possibility. She was pretty enough, and she seemed not too stupid. The problem was, she was already drooling over Steiner… or was it Schooner? Whatever.

Queen Brahne was dead, killed by Kuja. That meant Kuja was smarter. So no. Similarly, Princess Garnet was out as well. She reminded too much of Aeris, and Sephiroth happened to hate that empty-headed pink-clad twit.

That left Lulu and Rikku. Rikku was out. She was a blonde, and he hated blondes. Rufus was a blonde. Elena was a blonde. Cloud was a blond. Blondes were annoying, and they were conspiring against him.

Lulu. There was a thought. But then, she was involved with Wakka. From the starters, Wakka's name sounded stupid. Second of all, Wakka _was_ stupid. That meant Lulu was either overprotective (which he had enough of from Jenova) or she was an idiot as well.

That left… Ultimecia. Hmm.

He stood up from his seat, then went in front of the mirror. He carefully brushed his hair, trying not to rip out too many strands. His face was perfect, as usual, and his sexy leather armor thingy added to his metrosexual attractiveness.

Yes, he was ready to ask Ultimecia on a date.


	4. Chapter 4

Sharem: Thanks! This is a break for me from the all-serious drama/action/romance "The Footsteps of Life". I like Sephiroth, I like Yazoo... (drools)

Naruubi: I hope you enjoy this chapter too. I did, for certain. I enjoyed writing it, although it's kind of short. I update this sporadically, I wish I could be steadier...

Beeria: I don't know how this turns out, to be honest. Sephiroth's current candidate is Ultimecia only... I know! Yazoo and Sephiroth! Oh wait... that's incest.

Bethica: Really?I haven't played FFVIII, FFIX or FFX for ages. Or FFVII for that matter. I got the stuff from Wikipedia. Nice place, Wikipedia...

Now the story.

* * *

Chapter 4 

Yazoo was still screaming like a girl when Sephiroth, our narcissistic and super-hot villain, was coming through his hair. As all those who possess ridiculously long and thin hair (like me), we all know how painful and arduous that task is. Sephiroth was no exception, so we can all surmise how long Yazoo was screaming. Sure, the young Paris of the trio could be fatal with his precise aim and his sniffing and his mysterious demeanour and such, but he hated spiders, damn it!

"Like, oh my god! Like, get it off! GET IT OFF!" Yazoo screamed, running around in circles. Because, you know, that is the thing to do when you're in a mortal danger by a green long thing on the head. You can't run in squares, that is not the cool thing to do. Or hearts. Or a star.

Chuckley did what he was supposed to do. I mean, he was named to do this.

He chuckled, of course.

* * *

It took Sephiroth precisely three hours, twenty-seven minutes, fifty two seconds and three nano-seconds to get his hair perfect. Unlike Rufus' "getting hair perfect" or Reno's, Sephiroth's had to take a long time. Rufus took about an hour because his was short. Reno just woke up and his hair was perfect, because Reno thought more chaos the better. But Sephiroth was the embodiment of cosmos, and thus it took him long time. But today it took even longer because he had to look perfect for Ultimecia. It wasn't that he was trying to impress the girl, oh no! But he did not want his future kids to look at the family photo album and say, "Oh my god, Daddy looks so weird when he asked Mommy out!" 

He bid goodbye to his Mommy, Jenova, who was still distinctively smelling of kiwis and bananas, left Loz and Kadaj (who were now fighting over who had the prettier butt) alone, and then went through the front door. The door shut with a slam.

Ultimecia lived on 57 FF8 Avenue, which was approximately a block away. But Sephiroth was too cool to walk, so he flew. With his one wing. It defied all laws of physics and everything in between, and if anyone else flew with one wing he would not only look lopsided before falling and going smash to the ground, but hey, Sephiroth could fly fine with his one wing. Because of… his super hair. Yes, his hair and his leather jacket allowed more air to come in, thus levitating him. Why he needed the wing was anybody's guess.

FF8 Avenue was coming into view, so Sephiroth decided to land in the most physics-defying way possible, because that was the way to go. Apparently, in Final Fantasy World the more laws of physics you break, the cooler you are. That explains why Reno can't jump 3043548941148 miles! Damn it, Reno, you aren't cool enough, despite his red-hot hair and byooootiful green eyes! I'm sorry, but you too, Rude!

Ahem.

Anyways, Sephiroth tried to land… but if you remember the movie, Sephiroth could only land when there was something he could kick off to change the direction (which, in normal cases, would result in painful smash and a broken nose, but as I said, it's Sephiroth, he can fly with one wing, so he can change direction at a hurtling speed without smashing up his pretty face) or rely on gravity to pull him softly onto the ground. Unfortunately, gravity was tired of Sephiroth breaking him in two all the time, so he decidedly ignored him. And, well, Sephiroth couldn't find anything high enough to be within his reach to change the direction.

He thought for a moment about "UISHFDNJKWHR(PH$NUIHS&DBN! GET ME DOWN! GET ME DOWN, DAMN IT! NOW! I'M SEPHIROTH, THE COOLEST, SEXIEST, SILVEREST, TALLEST, MOST METROSEXUAL GOD-WANNABE EVER TO GRACE FINAL FANTASY DAMN IT, NOW GET ME DOWN!" but screaming was undignified, and Yazoo was already doing that.

But shall he keep floating? Then he'll just float on then walk back to Ultimecia's house, and that was so uncool.

So he decided to be destructive and cool. He whipped out Masamune (and god only knows how he doesn't get his feet tangled in that long-ass sword) and stabbed a nearby roof to stop himself.

But then, in a battle with Cloud, Masamune cut through concrete. So it cut through the roof like a hot knife goes through butter.

And he kept floating.

And floating.

And floating.

And floating.

And floating.

And… (gets hit by readers, with one screaming "are you gonna go on for chapters with 'and floating' until this ends?")

Then he saw a kite.

But he could not veer off course without kicking off something.

A strand of his hair got tangled in the kite string.

"Mommmmmyyyy!" cried the owner of the kite, a small boy about five years old. "There's a guy in my kite! Mommy!"

The mother, who uncannily looked like Rinoa, continued talking with an invisible neighbor, and paid no attention to her son.

The boy yanked the string.

Sephiroth felt himself falling. Just before the impact, he cut the string attaching him to the kite. Sephiroth fell. The kite flew away.

"Mooommyy! That dude broke my kiteeeee!" The boy wailed. The mother paid no attention. The boy chased Sephiroth with his chubby, short legs, and started to beat on the leather coat. The leather coat, not used to being hit by little boys, repelled the boy. The poor child fell flat on the rear end.

"Mooommmyyy! That dude isn't nice to me!" The boy wailed. The mother kept on talking about how the price of bread was going up and she didn't know how she was going to manage the household finances.

"You… evil mister man!" The boy blubbered, struggling to stand up and follow Sephiroth.

Sephiroth couldn't have a snot-nosed little kid following him! Kids smelled and cried and wailed! That was so uncool!

He turned, stared coldly at the kid. The kid scuttled back, but glared at Sephiroth defiantly.

"Warrgh!" Sephiroth opened his mouth like a lion and snarled at the boy. The boy shrieked once, then started to cry like he was in a hysteria.

"Hm, how easy," thought Sephiroth, and walked about forty steps and rang the doorbell of 57 FF8 Avenue. As he waited for the door to open, he dusted off his coat and primped himself.

Because, you know, he wanted to look pretty.

* * *

Will Sephiroth score? Will Yazoo finally get the snake off his head? Check out in the next installment of "Getting Married", which will come in... I don't know. When I feel like it. (Sheepish grin) 


End file.
